I’ve figured out a little something about myself and my prayer life and why I struggle sometimes to find the words to pray.
I often find it hard to find the words to say. It can be hard at times because I often want to state my opinion or let my thoughts out and it hasn’t helped that I’ve always been afraid of speaking in public either!
I know I have become better at this and over the past 3 years some of my friendships have changed because of this. I have learnt to speak out my opinion more – when I used to think that they never really wanted to hear it. I’d just go along with what they felt. Out of fear of what I am not sure but I know its something I used to do. Not state my opinion out of fear of maybe losing a friendship or disagreeing….strange and annoying but its changed thank goodness. I won’t sit idly by anymore I will say what I feel if I feel it needs to be said. Given that sometimes it is better to say nothing at all and move on – but I’m not afraid anymore to speak out in friendship and it’s a great thing to realise when you have grown through something.
That being said, these past few weeks I have really struggled to pray. I know I need to but I can’t find the words and I know why. I have been feeling shy to speak to the Lord. It just infuriates me realising this. I am afraid of what to say and get nervous worrying it won’t be the right thing BUT I know that it doesn’t matter what I say as long as its from my heart!!! Gargh! So annoying.
But just then, just prior to this, I found the words.
“Don’t let me shy away from you Lord”
I don’t want to be lost for words. I need to find the words. Because these last few weeks I’ve felt hopeless. I’ve felt my vision I used to have of us having children slipping away, where I find it hard to even imagine the fact that we’d ever have children. The visions and the just knowing I used to have only a month ago seems like its almost gone. I don’t want to feel like that hope is gone – I desperately need that. I don’t know whether its tied to the fact that we’ve recently decided to not do IVF anymore or what….it probably is that….but either way I don’t want that to have the power over me.
I have to not let this stop me from drawing closer to God and not let my pride or unfaithfulness get in the way of prayer.
So I will find the words. I WILL pray every day. I have to. I know full well how to. Hope is not lost. It’s always there walking along side me waiting for me to return. I need to not lose heart – but grab FAITH!